Monday, May 16, 2011

Dear Family and Friends

As I prepare to cross the threshold into motherhood, I thought it'd be a good time to explain some things. During this long wait, I've learned that while decorating the nursery and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of my baby. In Mia's short life, she'll have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle.

While she may not consciously remember the events, she'll still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief, trauma and confusion. She's already experienced the loss of her birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of her birth country. Her world will turn upside down. She'll struggle with feeling safe and secure and may lack the ability to trust that I will meet her needs.

I'm prepared to meet her where she is emotionally and progress on her schedule. I have to prove to her that I'll always take care of her and keep her safe. I need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment, I must allow her to regress so that she has the opportunity to go through all the emotional stages with me... despite her chronological age. Although it may appear that I'm spoiling her, I've learned it's best that I meet every need quickly and consistently.

Until she's learned that I'm her mother, I alone need to be her primary caretaker at all times. It's essential that I always hold her, feed her, and do all of the nurturing. I know you're impatient to do these things, too. Trust me. I don't want to deprive anyone of loving my daughter. But in the beginning, I ask you to understand my need for you to step back and defer to me. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. I'll follow her lead and trust my instincts rather than worry about what society expects.

We've all been waiting anxiously for Mia to arrive but you have to remember ... she hasn't been waiting for us. She's about to be ripped away from everything she knows and loves. She may show her grief and confusion in many ways. I'm prepared to help her through it and prove that I am forever and this truly is her last stop. No matter what it takes.

I trust that as my family and friends you'll help me to do what's best for my daughter. I thank you in advance for your support and understanding. For more useful info about attachment check out this website a4everfamily.org

Love,
Mia's Mommy

6 comments:

Traci said...

Our family listened when we asked them to understand and I know that yours will as well. This is a vital element needed for her to be a happy, well adjusted, emotionally connected adult. Good for you, Mom, for putting her needs first. I know that your family & friend's arms will be aching but she will bond even better to them when the time is right.

Recently, as Jaden was processing what it means to have a birth family and a forever family, she said that she wanted to live with her Chinese family in Alabama with her Grandpa (my Dad.) That line wouldn't have come if she weren't completely bonded to us and, therefore, completely bonded to her Grandpa. Pretty cool moment.

Enjoy your baby girl!!

Traci

chinabound07 said...

You are already a wonderful mother! Now go get that baby of yours! =)

Kudo said...

Great post it is so true you have to be the one to meet her every need and take her back before you can go forward. This is such a hard concept for some to understand like my family who I had to tell after 2.5 years it was ok now when they took this idea to an extreme. I learned that you have to tell everyone everything you need them to do and never assume. Learn from my mistake. The trauma that Mia has and will go though is extremely real and something that doesn't go away with time just love and security the way you intend to provide her. Way to go Mama you are so close to your girl.

Kim J said...

So well said. I am praying that the whole process goes smoothly for Mia and I know that you will do EVERYTHING you can for her to make it easy. I have no doubt she will THRIVE once she is home with you.

Kayce said...

Bravo momma! This bonding will be such a benefit to your entire family! We did the exact same thing with our Jenny and she is so deeply attached to our family members for the better. While it's hard for everyone who's been waiting right along with you, they will completely understand this within just a few weeks of being home and will praise you for all you've done for your daughter! Hugs to all of you!!

KJS said...

Good job, Mama. We did the same thing with Livi and I don't regret it all. Safe travels and give Mia lots of hugs from all of us.

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