Saturday, October 8, 2011

Tomorrow is Mia's first birthday. But this evening as I was putting her to bed it occurred to me that it's already tomorrow in China. That gave me a lot to think about.

For years I've read other blogs and saw how birthdays always seem to make adoptive parents very introspective. I never really got that... until tonight. 

I sat and rocked my baby girl in the quiet of her room. For a good long while we just gazed into each others eyes. And it made me wonder if someone else in the world has those same eyes. 

I couldn't help but think about Mia's birthmother and whether she's remembering this day 1 year ago. And I said a little prayer for her.

I have so many questions. I know they'll never be answered. But I can't help but be curious about my daughter's circumstance. There's another woman, another family on the other side of the world that she belongs to. 

I wish I was able to know why they couldn't keep her. Or if they even wanted to. Or why they did for 3 days.

I wish I could tell them how amazing she is. How smart and beautiful. I wish I could somehow let them know that she's healthy and happy and very much loved. 
 
But most of all I wish that I could thank them. Thank her birthmother. Thank someone.

Those choices, whether they were good or bad, difficult or easy to make, heart wrenching or indifferent, willingly made or forced upon them .... those choices gave me the greatest gift. The biggest joy of my life. 
 There have been some tears shed tonight as all of these things swirl around in my head. 

Tears for all that Mia has lost. All that she'll never know. Those missing pieces of herself. 

Tears for the woman who carried her for 9 months, felt physical pain as she brought her into this world. And very possibly still aches for that missing piece of herself, too. I'll just never know. 

I can't help but feel a connection to Mia's birthmother. Because of her... I'm a mother. And I'm infinitely grateful for the blessing of this little girl who lights up my whole world and has brought me more happiness than I've ever known. 
 How do you even say thank you for that? Especially knowing that my happiness is at the expense of someone's loss. Including my daughters.

9 comments:

KJS said...

What a beautiful post and Happy Birthday, Mia.

k1 said...

Very well said, Krista. Happy Birthday to Mia.

Catherine said...

Oh how I understand your heart! A heart full to overflowing with love for your daughter. And a thankful heart for her birthmother who lost so that we could gain. Hurt for your daughter's loss.

Yes, birthdays are times of great celebration and yet in our circumstances, times of questions without answers too.

Have a wonderful day of celebration with your amazing baby girl tomorrow!

wzgirl said...

Love you, momma...and same-same. Love...xoxoxo

Karen said...

It's so difficult. And it becomes even more so as they get older. We want to give them everything and we can't give them those answers. We don't know those answers. One day, if time permits, and if she still wants to, I will travel to China with her when she is an adult, and pass out pictures of her at 4 days old, at the apartment complex where she was found. There's a chance that someone will know someone who's still living there, who knows someone.....It's a chance worth taking for my daughter to have what is rightfully hers...answers. Happy birthday, Mia. Despite all that brought you here, I can tell that you are loved beyond measure. You are home.

Hanne said...

What a beautiful post. So well said...
Congratulation to Mia. Hope you have a great day celebrating her very first birthday

Hanne from Denmark

Alyson and Ford said...

A very happy birthday to Mia! Yes, so much to consider and it is all about our daughters and what we can do to help them as they grow up; we may never know anymore than we did the day we adopted, so we will have her pain to share when we can't answer her questions. We will make the trip back to China too.

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Amy said...

You brought tears to my eyes. We missed our Milo's first birthday. We celebrated his 2nd with him, home just over 2 months. It was, & still is, very overwhelming. Our son's birthparents kept him for nearly 3 months. It astounds me to think of the pain they must feel. We, as you, are so very thankful for these parents' sacrifices, and wishful for a day when we could get some type of message to them.

Happy 1st birthday Mia!!
Amy
www.babybellylaughs.blogspot.com

foodiechickie said...

Happy birthday to your little girl! And what a beautiful post. Made me cry.

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